I Just Knew
by onedracomalfoy
Summary: The war has come. 'He stopped and looked at me, his untidy black hair looking like a beacon of some goodness, that there was hope for the rest of us, even if that meant he had to leave.'


**This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**

i just knew

He studied every afternoon with Remus and Dumbledore and Snape, Occlumency and defensive spells and jinxes circling his head like oxygen. He breathed them in and it was all he knew, it was all he could be. He didn't seem to take anything else in around him. I watched him every night as his robotic self struggled to keep up with homework and special lessons that he was taking on top of trying to pass his sixth year at Hogwarts. It got to the point where I never really talked to him anymore. Every now and then I would offer to do some of his work for him, maybe to ease some of the stress for a while, but he would only frown and shake his head.

"No, no, I have it. I'm fine," he would mutter, leaving me to go to sleep without another word. But I knew him so much better than he thought. I could see right through the facade he had tried so hard to build upon himself. I leaned back in my chair and frowned, one thing in my mind. _I'm right here, Harry. When you're ready to talk, I'll be waiting to listen._

It felt so impossible to break through the barriers he put up around his heart. Every time I would try to talk to him, he would shrug me off, and eventually I was completely unsure quite how to communicate with him. I was losing, or had already lost, his trust, and in turn, I was losing _him_. I was losing my best friend in the entire world, and there was nothing I could do to keep him from slipping through my fingers.

I started to try to speak to him more often during the day, and every time I tried he would use his giant walls to block me out, but the idea of him going to fight Voldemort in my head was enough for me to keep pushing them down. I kicked and screamed and punched but it still seemed hopeless. One night, we were all doing our homework together in the common room, and Harry was especially tired from his Occlumency session. His eyes drooped and his fingers brought the eagle quill dully across the parchment. I knew he wasn't really paying attention to anything he was doing.

"Would you like me to finish that essay for you, Harry? I can do it quickly for just one night - "

"No, Hermione, I'm really okay," said Harry, breaking out of his sleepy trance. I sighed.

"But Harry, I - "

"I said _no_ Hermione, alright? I can handle it." He looked very irritated. I bit my lip, inwardly frustrated, and dropped the conversation. After a few more minutes the scratching of his quill stopped and I heard him shuffling next to me. I looked over to see him gathering his things.

"I'm going to sleep," said Harry, and he walked away from us. I narrowed my eyes at Ron in confusion. How long was this going to last? I quickly stood up and ran over to him. "Harry, wait a minute!" He paused and turned around slowly, his eyes widening as I bounded over to him. When I reached him, I wrapped my arms around him tightly and closed my eyes for a moment. "See you tomorrow, Harry," I whispered into his ear. After a moment, I felt a strange flutter in my stomach that I had never felt before. Opening my eyes, I let go of him. He looked a bit startled, but alright nonetheless.

"Er, see you tomorrow, Hermione." And with that, he walked up the steps to the boys' dormitory. I, however, felt accomplished, and one step closer to my goal.

After realizing that I could hug him without rejection, I began to do it every single night, and told him, "See you tomorrow", and he would reply saying the same thing. It was the only thing that kept us connected at all. Even though we rarely saw eachother anymore, I still knew that every night in the common room, I would be able to hold him for just a few seconds and know that he cared about me, even if he forgot that he did sometimes.

The school year passed like this, and then summer came, and went. I spent most of it with the Weasley's with Harry. It was so good for him to be away from the Dursely's for the summer, flying his Firebolt and being with people he knew loved him unconditionally. He was still so distant though; it was as if he was afraid to be close to any of us anymore. One night, Ron, Harry and I were sleeping outside for the night. Harry had asked Ron absently, and Ron, confused but willing to give that night to Harry, convinced Mrs. Weasley and we were all in sleeping bags on the grass looking up at the starry sky. Ron was gently snoring in between us, and Harry and I were both silent.

"Why won't you let us get close to you?" I asked him gently. He didn't respond. I was sure he was asleep, and was ready to close my eyes myself when I heard him speak.

"Because I know what will happen if I do." He rolled over, and soon I could hear his soft, deep breathing that could only mean he had fallen asleep as well.

Seventh year arrived in the blink of an eye, our N.E.W.T. preparations burying us under mountains of schoolwork. When the War finally came, none of us could really believe it was happening. It was like we were expecting for it to end in a few hours, and then we could go back to our common rooms and finish our remaining essays for the next days' classes. I remember one detail about that day, besides the haze of fighting and death. We were all preparing ourselves for the battle, and Harry walked calmly over to where me and Ron were standing.

"I guess this is it," said Ron.

"This is what?" I asked him. He shrugged.

"When we find out."

"Find out what?" I repeated. No one said anything. I crossed my arms and looked over at Harry, who had his wand sticking out of the back pocket of his jeans. We all stood in silence together, just pondering what it meant, what was about to happen. Harry suddenly looked to his left to see Dumbledore tapping his shoulder. Our attention was transferred to the look that was being passed between them. Harry nodded and turned away from us, and it was in that moment, I knew more than anything else I had ever known before: this was to be the last I would ever see of Harry Potter. I suddenly wanted to reach out and hold him for all it was worth, and never let him go, and never let that tingly feeling my stomach fade away. I bit my lip hard as Ron pulled Harry toward him and embraced him, as a brother and a friend. I hung my head as tears rolled down my cheeks. This was really it. I could hear Ron crying gently beside me. After all those years of trying to laugh when times were rough, he was finally letting it go. I had never seen him cry before.

I backed far away from Harry. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye, I could never possibly say goodbye. I heard him walking away, towards the doors and away from me forever. I whipped my head up and called out, "Harry!" He stopped and looked at me, his green eyes shining and his untidy black hair looking like a beacon of some goodness, that there was hope for the rest of us, even if that meant he had to leave. I ran to him and collapsed in his arms. I shook with sobs and I knew that this would be the last time I smelled him or had his arms around me. My heart shattered and I was helpless to do anything. Finally he let me go and I savoured his scent and voice in my ear and the fluttering in my stomach for one last time. I just knew he wasn't coming back. I couldn't explain it. I simply knew. He pulled away from me, my hand still clasped in his.

"See you tomorrow, Hermione." And he began to walk away again. The doors were opening for him. His hand was slipping away from mine. Tears slipped mercilessly out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I managed to whisper it one last time. "See you tomorrow."

end


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